What i'm Wearing: Sweater - H&M, Pants - Express Men, Watch - Vincero Bellwether Silver + White (USE MY CODE MRDOMBAZA15 TO GET 15% OFF YOUR NEXT ORDER)
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"Changes" (feat. Vincero Watches)
Tonight I have had David Bowie's "Changes" stuck in my head. The line, "Time may me change me, but you can't trace time". I sat here for an hour just thinking in the darkness of my office after I watched a film called "Joy" , featuring my celeb crush Edgar Ramirez (sigh)... Anyways, the movie was about the mop lady Joy Mangano. Seeing all her struggles and watching her come out on the other side. It is just a beautiful reminder that our lives are so complex and we always come out for the better and in return we may help someone else come out on the other side. It got me thinking about the people who continue to help me come out on the other side. It takes 2 ends of the stick to really help someone. Your past and present, they are your friends. Even if you don't want to acknowledge them sometimes, they are apart of you.
Earlier this evening before I sat in the dark, my families former neighbors came to visit us from Florida. It was like having a piece of my childhood return. It's so bittersweet, because there is only 3 original families, including ours, still living in our neighborhood. Everyone else moved away. Rich and Melinda saw me grow up. They also saw me during one of my darkest periods, when I got sick. That was the last time they really got to see me. Tonight, Melinda said, Dom, you are so different. You look happy, you are smiling, you look great, the last time I saw you, you were not like this. I wasn't, I was straight up miserable. Isn't it amazing how the last 8 months can change a person. I have been seeing the changes going on within me, but I haven't really paid attention to how the outside world, outside of social media, has seen me. It was a little weird to have my former neighbor tell me the change is so visible. I guess, I never really noticed how depressed I got. I never really thought about how people were viewing me. Now as a changed person, I can see what they can see and it's honestly makes me emotional. Back in March I was visibly still very hurt abut how things were handled with my career and how my illness brought me down. My best friend Dan brought that up to me recently. He said, I just asked myself, what did these people do to you to make you like that. I watched back an episode of my youtube series "through my eyes", it was straight up heartbreaking to hear my voice open up about what went down. It's funny, because i'm not that person who sat on his couch and vented about his past. I haven't forgiven everyone yet, I feel as this new part of my life continues to unfold, I probably will forgive everyone. It didn't hit me that I guess I already started that process when a former friend reached out to me 2 weeks ago. That's why I said it takes 2 ends of the stick. Your past and your present will somehow always collide. This ex friend of mine, thanked me for helping him grow into the person he is today. It took me by surprise because this guy and I haven't spoken since the start of my illness. He apologized to me for not staying around and like I said, he thanked me for being apart of his teenage years and upbringing, that led him to graduate college. It was a whole bunch of deja vu for me. This is someone I thought I would never hear from again. I was mad at this person, actually, I was pissed. I had this list of people who I was really hurt by. This guy was one of the people on top of that list. I was really touched and taken aback by his statements. He man'd up and owned up and hearing him thank me and apologize to me, that meant the world to me. It was in that moment, I realized everyone else on that list that I made, it didn't matter what they did to me. I'm at a better place now, I haven't been this open and this, how do I say it, free? I think the word i'm looking for is free, or a variation of it. Because i'm not fully free yet, but i'm more loose... That's the word... loose. I realized that time has changed me, and the hurt doesn't really hurt. I'll never forget all the wrongs done to me, but i'm not going to live in that former shadow of mine. I've moved on and tonight when Melinda told me her thoughts about this "new me", It finally hit me in the feels, that yes, time has change me.
Forgiving takes awhile. I have taken so many years to even begin that process. I'm so happy I unknowingly did, because look at what has happened. The insides of myself are finally coming to life on the outside. I'm so happy that the world around me can see that. I'm also so touched that my past could leave me a kind thank you note in the form of an old friend. I may not be close to my past anymore, but it will always be apart of me. It will always be apart of my story, just like my old neighbors. You may leave the past behind, but somehow the changes you make in time will always bring back apart of what used to be. So that way it can shine and bring out what makes you special in the current era of your life.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
2 Years In My Life: Chapter 8