Press Play To Listen To An Audio Version Of This Page
(mobile users please wait a few seconds for audio to load)
What i'm Wearing: Jacket - Good Fellow, Shirt - Good Fellow, Jeans - H&M, Boots -Apt 9
I felt it was appropriate to start this chapter off in a different timeline, an entry from a different story. As you know, I write a lot. I have always written a lot. I think back to this page I wrote in my songwriting journal/ diary, when I was 17 years old. I wrote it the night my parents left me at my apartment to go out in the world on my own. It's a page of writing I think about often. I have never shared it with anyone, but that all changes now. When you look back at the larger scale of this open book of mine, you'll understand why this page was inserted here.
START OF CHAPTER 8
After an hour of sitting in the dark, I finally stopped crying. I'm all alone now in my little apartment. 1559 North Hill Ave is about to be my home. Mine, only mine. I can't believe I moved away from Fairfield. I did it, I made it here to LA by myself. I kind of lost it watching mom and dad drive away. They spent the last week here with me in LA and now they are going back to Northern California and i'm going to be 8 hours away from them. I think i'll pick up my guitar and write about this after I finish coming to terms with my thoughts. I didn't think I would break down after they left, but as soon as mom did the sign of the cross on my forehead, I tried to hold back those tears so they don't see me cry. I'm still 17 but I got to be an adult, so no crying in front of them was an option. I have the lights dimmed in my kitchen. It's small but in separate room and very old school. I had to learn how to use a gas stove. I'm so used of electric, but it's cute, it has that vibe that I love. I'm sitting here outlining a plan of action on how I will conquer my new arena. I wanted to write down these thoughts I have in my head. I jotted them down but I want to go in depth, because I know there will be a day when I need to read this. One of these days, my dreams and goals will be fulfilled. I need to remind myself why I set out to do this, why i'm here in LA. What are these reasons? Well, for starters... i'm reading the bible... yes, i'm actually reading the bible. Something really stood out to me and got me thinking really hard.
Gen 41:12-13 We told him our dreams and he interpreted them for us, giving each man the interpretation of his dream and things turned out exactly how he interpreted them to us.
My dreams are larger than life. They always have had a life of their own. As I somehow talk to god, I feel our relationship grow a little more. Since grandma died last year, I kind of changed my tune on prayers. I used to loathe them, now I pray more often than I admit. It is something that is going to keep me sane. Especially as I over stress figuring out how I am going to live a life here. Dreams start with goals and I have a whole new set of goals for my life I am about to build here. I guess I'll outline below what some of these goals are, it will make it easier for me to understand.
1. I want to make my parents proud. I want to make it on my own. Mom and dad moved here with nothing. They had to start from the bottom up. Not once did they ever turn back to Guam. So I plan on doing the same. Not once will I turn back to Fairfield. It's gonna take a big reason for me to show up back there, besides my family. I have no plans on going there for leisure, especially after the hell I experienced with that harassment ordeal over the last year. Mom and Dad have always taken care of me, I want to make sure I find a way to take care of them, they don't need that yet, but one day they will. We need to cherish our parents and this will be a real test for me, being so far away from them.
2. Make Friends. The amount of people who was in my life 2 years ago obviously outweighs the amount of people in my life now. I know little to no one here. I'm a fish out of water, and tbh I don't know where to start. I made some friends with these girls who were busking on the street, but they never called me. I guess they weren't interested in being friends. Which sucks because I would have loved some friends. I don't know how i'm going to make friends, but i'll figure it out. I have been through a lot with all the harassment and heavy bullying over the last year, that I don't want to end up with another death threat, so please god help me get people I can trust in my life.
3. Write about everything and everyone. I'm going to start people watching as much as I can. There is so many interesting people here in LA, that is where I will draw my inspiration from. I learned that when Neshia and I used to sneak out during my x factor days. (Let's talk about that later).
4. Keep my promise to grandma. Last year when she passed away, it set me on this path. I have never been more determined to make it in this world. A lot of my family, from my dad's side, they don't do anything with their lives. I don't want to be like them. I want to be better. My grandma deserves to have successful grandkids. She deserves a grandkid that is going to set out and make a change in this world. That is what I want to do, I want to make a change. Grandma always believed in treating people with love and equality. For a woman who had her heart broken one too many times to count, I don't know how she kept a smile on her face. I hope no matter how hard it gets, I can keep a smile on mine, so I can set forth and make her proud, while she watches me up there.
5. Heal The World. I recently wrote a song called "Let The Music Be Your Guide". I have to say, it is so special. My heart is literally so full with love. We live in a country where LGBTQ rights are not exactly in line. I hope one day gay marriage can be approved and we can have the rights to marry who we want to marry. I'm not opposed to marrying a guy or a girl. Whoever I fall in love with, and the moment I know it's right, I want to marry that person. I hope I can somehow use my voice with this song one day and shed some light on an issue, that should not be an issue. I want to heal the world and make it a better place with my voice and these things I have to say that I have been building up inside.
6. Fall in love and fall hard. You know, love hasn't been kind to me. I think I strayed away from that in Northern California because nobody truly got what I want to do with my life. Nobody understands me. So badly I want to scream out and say I WANT TO BE LOVED. I want to fall so hard that I can't get up. I want that fairytale happy ending, I want to be someones husband and a father. I want to have a family and a thriving career. I want both. I would like to have both by at least 22 or 23. I know that's young, but I want someone to share the journey with. My parents got married young and they have been together ever since. That is something that I want. I want a partner that I can love endlessly and be loved by. I want to be devoted to one person and know happiness like I have never known. I want to go on dates and buy my lover flowers for no reason. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and dance with just the kitchen light and tell someone I love them, and hear someone say I love you back. I'm a hopeless romantic raised on Disney fairytales. I believe in love and I believe in once upon a time. I would be very disappointed if I don't write a book of some sorts one day. Because I want to be loved so badly, that the love I receive elevates me to share some of it with a world that can use some, every now and then.
7. Make a new album. I have all these ideas and I think Let The Music Be Your Guide is a great start and concept for a record. I just need to get picked up. I believe in the messages I am spreading within my music. I believe i'm doing something for the
greater good. I have to find a way to do that and that starts with using my voice,
8. Use my voice. All these things i'm writing, I have to find a way to speak up. I have been shielding away parts of me because of the perception that is needed in this industry. If I said I'm not completely straight, executives would run for the hills. I gotta flip that on it's head. That can't be the normal for the world, it just can't be. I will be highly disappointed if I leave this world one day, and this is an issue. I have been scared to speak up because of all the wrong done to me. I mean when someone locks you in a closet and threatens you to come out... Like not a mental closet... a physical one... and then they start a fight with you and you get a head injury. WHO DOES THAT? I want to make sure that one day, no kid ever has to go through that. Bullying is not going to go away, but we can start somewhere and that starts with the children of tomorrow and what we teach them moving forward. I hope I can teach them something good with the messages I have within me, the things I want to say, with my voice.
9. Be Happy, Be myself. Now that i'm here in LA I feel like I can breathe. I was so trapped over there in northern California. I felt like I was drowning. What I want for myself is to live the happiest life. Things may get hard sometimes, but I have to understand that the trials god gives us, are given to us for a reason. I'm so all over the place when it comes to my future, I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know where I will be tomorrow or years from now. I don't know if the people in my life will still be in my life when i'm 21 or 30. I don't know how i'm going to make it out in this big world. I don't know a lot of things. But what I do know is that I learn and I grow. I have learned that beautiful can come from broken. I have all these pieces to a puzzle that I have to build and make into something special. People have looked down on me for a while now, and you know what? That's okay. Because they are looking down on me because I stand out, I am different. I'm not a giant overbearing person who believes in what society believes is normal. I'm a giant, but i'm a little giant. I'm a wide eyed boy who is a hopeless romantic. I'm on a path to write a beautiful story made from a broken mess. I'm the underdog. I'm 17 years old in LA and one day I will look back at this and see everything I wrote was for a reason. Stories start small, pages start small, chapters start small, but they always grow tall. I'm gonna fight for my rights like I have never fought before and i'm going to make sure that no matter the out come, whatever story I may be writing, that it will have the ending it deserves.
As I read in the bible
"We told him our dreams and he interpreted them for us, giving each man the interpretation of his dream and things turned out exactly how he interpreted them to us."
So i'm gonna interpret my dreams and hopefully god plays it back to me in a way that is how it's supposed to be. I only made a list of 9 things because often times 9 is a great choice to end off a list or a story. You know Michael Jackson had a thing for capping off his albums at 9 tracks. Being that he is my hero, I'm capping off my list at 9. Hopefully I can fulfill this list and come through with results. If not now, then maybe down the road. I feel beat, but I gotta get writing on another song, I need someone to pick me up and help me get these messages out there. It's now 1am in apartment 17. I have a smile on my face because I know I can do this. I know I will do this. The future is bright, there is so much more to come, I want to make some memories, I want to learn, thrive, aspire, inspire, and shine. I hope that no matter what happens, I'm living a life that not only my parents and grandma can be proud of, but a life that I can be proud of. I probably won't write in this journal often, as I want to fill it up with songs. But it's nice to have these thoughts in here as a sort of prelude to the grander scheme of things. I'm gonna do good here. I can feel it in me.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
2 Years In My Life: Chapter 8