Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
What I'm Wearing: Bomber Jacket - Good Fellow, Gap Sweater - Christmas gift frommy sister Jenny,
Pants - Good Fellow, Button Down Shirt - H&M, Shoes - Apt 9
Purchase your own Freshly 6 meal plan and get $20 off by using the code "ent639"
As I sit here and type this I have a new perspective of love and everything in between. My relationship has had it’s fair share of up’s and downs. Lately a lot of downs have been hitting me. On top of that I haven’t been well with my eye. As I head into this transformative period and we close these last few pages of winter, I look forward with a new sense of clarity. Earlier I asked “Who Am I?”, I feel like i’m starting to figure that out piece by piece. As we head into Valentines Day I think of the love I’ve had, every incarnation of it, and what I would like it to be in the future.
Freshly foods approached me just in time for Valentine’s Day. I’m obviously alone in California so i’ll be having this dinner for 2 all by myself. No bae in site, so i’ll eat for the both of us. On a more serious note, what I would give to have an actual dinner with this with someone I love in person. The song “Love Me Tender” has always been one of my favorite songs. I grew up on Elvis and I feel like a lot of his words foreshadowed my life i’m living now. As you know I grew up on fairytales. I know some people don’t believe in them, but I do. I believe in happily ever afters. It seems some people try their hardest to continue to deprive me of my happy ending. Through all the pain I have endured I refuse to let go of the notion of my happy ending. Music will always be the thing I love most, it is my passion and my calling, it is what I am meant to do. To share the words that come out of my mouth and touch people with my voice, that is everything to me. But I can’t lie and say I don’t want to be married and have a family one day. To look into someones eyes and tell them you have made my life complete, and I love you so. My god, what a dream that would be. I’d want to seal that deal this way. I have this fantasy that I plan on making a reality one day. An old fashioned date in my home of LA. So I would take you around to all my favorite spots and hiding places. Spend the day showing you why I love this place so much. We’d end the day with a dinner by the beach, in Malibu if i’m being specific. I’d take you down to the beach and slow dance you with no music. Then of course you would ask me to sing, so I’d have my guitar on standby and serenade you as the sun goes down. As the moon comes up we would just talk. Talk for hours upon hours until we eventually realize we are there til morning light. By then you would know the whole story, I would know your whole story. In a relationship it is important to be honest on both ends of the spectrum. What i’ve learned is sometimes the person you are in love with closes off for specific reasons. Sometimes that hurts, but you don’t want to give up because you love that person too much. If I could never let you go, I wouldn’t. I’ve tried over and over to, but my heart just can not do it. You can’t help who you fall in love with, the heart wants what it wants.
This past weekend I ran. I mean I didn’t physically run away, but I mentally ran away. I thought the person I am in love with did the most unspeakable things. I mean, if you knew my life you’d get what i’m trying to say. I changed my number, cut off all contact, and even if I did not want to mention it to the people i’m closest too, I still hoped somewhere in my heart that P would contact me somehow. Turns out it was the devil trying to work his evilness on my life again. I mean, how many things does this dude need to take away from me? Like cut me some slack and chill. I’m already going through enough. Enough about that evil person… I was hurt, I was beyond hurt. I had another draft of this post where I was basically writing “we are never ever ever getting back together” part 2 for Taylor Swift. Somehow god keeps bringing P back in my life. I can’t describe it. No matter how many times we both end up getting hurt, we always find a way back to each other. I see now more than ever, as we try to get more serious there are some evil people out there who will stop at nothing to take away what i’ve built, and what we have built. I may be in love, but i’d be lying if I said I didn’t have doubts sometimes. This time here, it feels different. I feel like I can let go of that a little. With this new incarnation of us, I feel a better understanding. Even if it’s just a few days old, it feels different, a very good different. We have ended this thing 4 times now and we can’t even go a week without talking. Like I said, people can judge and try to tear us down, but I know what I want. Through all the sorrow my heart may feel at times, I still dream of loving you true and sweet. I still want to be yours through all the years until the end of time. A friend recently told me, sometimes love can be “love” or “infatuation”. That got me thinking hard. “Maybe I’m Amazed” by the thought of a life, a happy life with you. But I know I am in love. I can say that with my whole heart. I know we have to rewire ourselves especially after what happened this past week and these past few months. But i’m willing to keep going and try and reach that tender destination. All I’m asking is for the truth and the whole story. Even if it takes you long. Everyone starts somewhere. I’m okay with taking baby steps as we re get to know each other. Just don’t take too long or the freshly meals will get cold.
Photographer: Joanna Wheeler
2 Years In My Life: Chapter 5