Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
What I'm Wearing: Jacket - Levis, T-Shirt - Apt 9, Pants - Good Fellow, Boots - Apt 9
DISCLAIMER : I wrote this post at very high stage of vulnerability. I’m at place right now where I can read this and yes all of this is true. But after so much outpouring of love from many people over this past bittersweet week, I feel a tonal change. I won’t include that in this page, but I have to leave this page as written. This is me and I should honor my low points in my life. This page is too fragile to rewrite cause these are the things I want to scream out loud. Thank you for being here as I continue to grow and open up more and more.
4 years. 4 years on this clouded path of hell. Man oh man have I been so down lately. I feel like it is time to open up with you all. I am not well. I am not well. I am not well. For starters this week I had a pre opt for my 6th eye surgery, yes I said 6th. 4 years in and i’m still the live action version of the board game operation. You would think I would feel this is an uplifting time in my life, it is absolutely not. I feel this sense of uncertainty. It’s taken me awhile to have the guts to say that out loud and to type that. I feel so lost. I’m going to be 23 in May and never in my life have I felt so much like a failure. I have this disease I cannot control, I have a career that no one seems to want to hear me out or give me a chance, I’m alone in Northern California with really no friends, I’m in a relationship with someone I love more than anything, yet I can’t leave this country as of right now with my situation. In fact this whole first half of this page is a mess. I’m just going to wing it and vent because god, I need to vent.
I decided to wear this jacket one more time before I send it to Paris to be with P. I want P to have a part of me there since I can’t even go there at the moment. We had a long convo about what i’m going to do with myself. He got me thinking really hard. I mean i’m always thinking about what i’m going to do next, but if i’m being honest i’m so lost right now. I’m broke, no one wants to collab with me, I get around 2 gigs a month, one of which I do for free because I do it out of my own heart. I sing for the sick aka people like me. I believe that music heals and for an hour a day during the month I just want people to feel, let out their emotions and feel. Like I said I get paid for one of the locations I perform at. Everyone always says the good you do will be repaid to you in the long run. I haven’t seen any good happen to me in a long time. I know I have to be patient, but still, can I ever catch a break? As for here on the blog I have been taking collabs for free, for the past year. I go above and beyond for some of these companies in hopes that someone would want to repay me in someway. Recently the only one who was kind enough to compensate me was Express. I actually save my money from my one gig a month and what not to try and have a little extra cash for myself. I need to get out of Northern California. I came back here for work only to get fired and kicked to the street when Glaucoma decided to hit me like a wrecking ball. I’m only here now because of the doctors I have to see. But what is going to happen when I complete this all in the next few months? How do I get out of here? No one wants to work with me for what I do best. I’m a pro at social media by now, I love to write, I can sure as hell write a song, I can sing what you want me to sing, I can wear the clothes you want me to wear, I can write you a story, but no one seems to listen or read these words. I mean all of you do, my readers, I love you all, but no one of the right caliber has stumbled upon me like they did when I was 17. There is no opportunities for me do what I love here. It is sad because no one cares about it here. I live in an area where no one cares. Do you see my family and loved one sharing my latest cover or blog posts with their family and loved ones?…NO. These people are some of the most unsupportive people you will ever meet in your life. As for friends, how many do I have here with me?… ZERO. Everyone I love does not live close to me. I consider some of them my peers as well, and guess what? They are out at fashion week or traveling the globe, while i’m stuck at home. San Fran is about 45 mins away from me. I obviously can’t drive because of my condition, so i’m always home. The only time I go out is when family comes to visit, doctors visits, when I perform, and when I have to shoot for mrdombaza. The friends I had here growing up, i’m basically dead to them. No one wants to be friends with the sick singer! How badly I would like to drop some names and call all of you out one by one, but i’m the better person at the end of the day, so I won’t be doing that. People always say Dom Baza is one of the strongest guys I know. But why don’t I feel that way? I created Dom Baza as beacon of hope for myself when i was at such a low point in my teens. He was my escape. As the years went by I became Dom Baza 100%. I think people forget I wasn’t born Dom, I wasn’t born Roy, I was born a name I don’t even say myself anymore. Because that doesn’t matter. I am Dom, I was always meant to become Dom. I know I can talk myself into saying, “You are Dom Baza, You have gone through a lot, You can do anything, You do not fail”. Yet I feel like such a utter failure. I have never felt this way. Even when I was diagnosed with this disease I didn’t feel this way. I’m trying my hardest to be the Dom I know I can be. The Dom my parents raised me to be, the Dom my P through it all has always seen, the Dom my nephews look to as guide, The Dom that god put on this earth to use his voice. I type so much, yet I feel I never say enough. I have a lot to say, but is anyone truly listening?
They say you truly find your way when you hit rock bottom. I felt that I hit rock bottom when i got sick. Now in 2018 I truly feel like i hit rock BOTTOM. I’m on this path screaming asking for help, yet no one hears me or sees me. I’m scared. Why am I scared? I’m Dom Baza, I always find a way. But right now I need help. I need someone, somewhere to point me in the right direction. Please help me get my life back on track. Everyone says you are young, you still have time. No matter the age, I’m running out of time. I guess it is my fault, I had no choice but to grow up faster than most people my age. I am going through a lot. From my health, my relationship, my family, my career, I just feel so stuck. 4 years ago I was given a pamphlet. I was told to read it over and think hard about the net 5-15 years. What did it say? It’s basically a kind way of saying, you are going to go blind. Do you know how much that broke me? It tore me apart mentally. I was so down on myself that first year. Then something hit me to get out of bed and move forward. Can something hit me again? I mean I feel like my convo with P fired me up, but as I looked at my life, I realized how lost I truly am. I’m so scared of loosing what I have now. I’m holding on to my eye site that is left, I’m protecting the songs that I write in hopes I can raise them to the greatness I now they can be, I’m holding tight with my relationship that I’m terrified of loosing again, After last April I’m scared of the idea of living in a world without my parents, I worry I am not enough for everyone I love, I worry I am letting myself down How can I try harder? How? Will it ever be enough. Because it feels like it is never enough. Night after night there's an empty horizon and my God do I feel so alone. Sometimes life, most times I, feel just like a sailboat. I don't know where I'm headed, but you can't make the wind blow from a sailboat.
Photographer: Joanna Wheeler
Book 2: Chapter 5