Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
What i'm wearing: Jacket - Members Only Men's Pebble Faux Leather , Shirt - Adam Levine Collection, Jeans - Adam Levine Collection, Boots - H&M
It's that time of year again... my birthday. I could use this as an opportunity to vent about all the problems I am facing in life, but instead I want to talk about all the good, the bad, the ugly, all the dreadful moments and the special moments i've had in between. I'm 23 this week. I know my age is still a babies age, but my body and my mind are far beyond 23. I guess i'm just blessed that I have great friends who are inching 30 or experiencing life in their 30's. Then again, you guys already know I grew up faster than everyone my age. Yet, I kind of wonder what normal 23 year old's go through. I'm not normal, nor is my life normal, so I think my year as a 23 year old will be more interesting than most. You know as I was trying on this jacket a month ago I saw my gray hair really popping out. It has been one month since I shot this look and I have a shit ton gray hair now. If you look at the selfies I take, that is not an effect, that is my actual hair going gray. I'm pretty stoked about that. Most people my age would be like please dye my hair, but i'm proud of that. I wear my scars and my imperfections proudly. Even if it looks like I am getting older, I can't help but feel younger now. I am rejuvenated even through my battle with this disease. Having nephews plays a part in that, but also my childhood is literally being brought to life all over again with the things happening around me. No one stays the same, change is a thing you can count. I've been looking back at all the incarnations of "Dom Baza" and this reputation and perception I have built around myself. One thing is for sure, I take each version of myself and amplify it. I've gotta say, I really dig this new version of me. Regardless of how shitty I feel on some days, I still look in the mirror through the pain and i'm happy. Is that weird?
I thought my year as a 22 year old would be the best year ever. Instead it felt pretty dry and still filled with pain. The main highlight of my 22nd year, honestly, spider-man. I know... that is sad. But i'm being serious. When I think back to being 22 I think of spider-man. When homecoming was released I was genuinely really happy and it just felt like I was stepping back into my 7 year old self. It led me to feel younger now, regardless of how old I may be or look. I think that is how I became more emotionally attached to my life. When you are young, you can get easily hurt. I learned a lot about that throughout the year. This is the first year I experienced loving someone. Not just loving someone, but truly loving someone. My relationship put me through so much turmoil over the past year. I finally feel like i'm at a good place with that part of my life. I'm happy even if i'm not physically in person with my love. I think I devoted a lot of myself to my relationship and it drowned out who I was. I finally found a balance and it has honestly made a huge difference. This is something I wanted for the past year and finally it feels right. I hope that as I enter my 23rd year that i'll be able to continue feeling this way through any obstacles P and I may face. I want to spend a significant amount of time together with P. I hope that my 23rd years grants my wish. I went through a reclamation 2 months ago when my relationship blew up in my face for the millionth time. I needed that because now I feel like i'm becoming the best version of myself. The best version for me and the people I love. This whole new Dom Baza thing I have going on, I'm pretty obsessed with it. I reached a point where I wasn't excited about wearing nice blazers, talking in depth and over analyzing socks, making sure every strand of my hair was perfect, pushing myself to become a version of me that I didn't know. I'm walking around San Fransisco in a leather jacket and high boots. I'm living my badass fantasies. My hair is growing out and going gray too, I get so excited to put my hair up because it just feels like me. Little things like that remind me of that persona I craved for behind the blazers and pomade. I feel more natural and even though my life is still in between a rock and a hard place, at least I can say I have a little room to move in between that rock and that hard place. I learned a lot from my peers who ended up becoming my best friends, who ended up becoming my family. When life got to me, I know who stuck it out and heard me out this past year. Some recently left the ride and that's okay. I think of what they contributed to my story so far. People come and go and the ones that are here are the ones that are meant to live on in the chapters to come. My family went through hell this past year. I started out my 22nd year in an argument with mom. Literally over me being scared of feeling free. I was filled with anxiety the day I turned 22. In fact that birthday was so boring cause all I did was yell back and forth with my mom and lock myself with an extra lock in my tower. Then my dad's truck was stolen and never returned. I didn't get to see my P at all this past year. Some other things happened too, but I'm not here to dwell on those sad moments. Beautiful memories happened in between all the fire. My mom turned 60, my grandpa returned to our lives and we reinstated our relationship, I gave my first present as couple to my mom, our Christmas was one that I will always cherish and we made it another year to see me turn a year older. It has been a year filled with nightmare memories and golden dreams that shine in between. I'm so glad that out of everything that has happened this past year, spider-man came home to the mcu and reinstated the youth in me. It was locked in and building up inside me for majority of the year, but now it is free and proud to stand amongst the world.
Now when I think back to my time as 22 year old, I will think of how Spider-Man really kicked my story up a notch. Although I may act old as hell, I feel younger now and i'm ready to keep smiling through the painful obstacles ahead. I'm not naive, I know things are not gonna be easy moving forward, considering the events happening as I type these words. I just wanted to set all those sad vibes aside for one moment, this moment, my birthday. The tail end of my 22nd year saw many seeds being planted for the future. I'm gonna do my best to keep on watering these beautiful plants and even though the sun may not come out some days to shine on them, I'm gonna keep the faith and continue moving forward and do my best to make my mark and "heal the world" for many years to come.
Photographer: Joanna Wheeler
Book 2: Chapter 6