Photographer: Joanna Wheeler
What I'm Wearing:
Shirt: Denim & Flower, Blazer: Merona, Pants: US Polo ASSN, Sweater Vest: US Polo ASSN, Shoes: Apt 9, Socks: Happy Socks
"You're Gonna Live Forever In Me"
In Loving Memory of
Maria Camacho Baza, Fedleia & Perlicarpo Paco, Terry Mesa, Johnny Baza, John Camacho, Liz Carbullido, Crina Sablan, Esther Mesa, and all my other loved ones lost along the way.
This week I wanted to do some personal reflection and honor some of my loved ones lost along the way. I included an "in loving memory" before I started writing this letter, but did not include all names. If I did it would be it's own paragraph. Through my 22 years here on this earth, I am all too familiar with loosing loved ones. And with yesterday being Memorial Day, it felt the best time to talk about the people I love, something I don't do often. I'm public when it comes to a lot of the stuff going on in my life, but i'm genuinely a very private person when it comes to my loved ones and my life with them behind closed doors. It felt fitting that my 4th Happy Socks collaboration would be a tribute to my loved ones watching over me. When I received this pair of socks, I knew this outfit had to be built around my feelings and give a little nod to Memorial Day. There is many depths to each and every one of us all over this earth, and a layer of those depths is built upon the people who enter our lives and live forever within us.
When I saw these pair of socks and the polka dot pattern they have, I thought of the Disney Pixar masterpiece, "Inside Out". In the film Riley has her different emotions in her head that keep her balanced and keep her memories safe in these little pods. The polka dots reminded me of the pods holding Riley's memories. Except in my case, it reminded me of all my loved ones who have passed through the years and how their lives have made an impact on me then, and now that they are gone from this world. What I love about Happy Socks is that they can look Happy, but as I said before there is so much more depth and meaning to them within their "happy" designs. Within the red dots I thought of the women who left my life and my families life so soon. Within the blue, I thought of the men who also left so soon. Within the white I thought of the halfway period, the line between here and there. Each dot stands for a person and the memories I had with them. The fact that they are red, white, and blue, was appropriate for the coming Memorial Day. For many, memorial day is to honor the lives lost for people who have served in the military. In my household we think of my Grandma Paco, My mom's mom whom I never got to meet. She passed away on memorial day years before I was born. I never got to meet her or my grandpa Paco. My grandparents on my mom's side passed away at a young age. I use the white dots to represent them as well. Because I never met them, I got to know them through my mom and my family. I got to learn who they are and connect the traits that we share because of them. I said earlier about the line in between, here and there. Sometimes we loose loved ones and we become closer to them after their time here on Earth. I never met my grandparents, but i've never felt closer to them than I do now. They live in me, within everything I do. We'll talk a little more about that soon, but I want to tie together this outfit and give my reasons for the rest of every detail. The blazer if you can tell has stripes. In the film "Inside Out" Riley's memories stored in the pods run through various tubes holding them within her mind. If you look closely under the blazer I am wearing a red, white, and blue polka dot shirt, similar to the design of the socks. Therefore I am holding more memories close to my heart and honoring them. I went for the simple Polo pants because I used that as another symbol for the tubes connecting to the socks, which connects to my shoes, that house my feet, that I use to walk, to continue moving forward carrying and honoring my loved ones legacies. Happy Socks may be happy, but as you can see you can use them as a symbol and metaphor for life.
The line in between. What exactly do I mean? White is a color for a fresh start. The memories in the blue and red are the old memories. The white however is for the memories you make after your loved ones have left this earth. My grandma Baza, God how I miss her everyday. We are more connected than people may think. I feel like even after her death, our lives still revolve around her beautiful soul. My birthday is on May 11th, my grandma is on the 12th, my nephew is on the 13th, and then later in the month my other nephew is on the 27th. Both my first and 2nd albums also share the month of May with birthdays on May 27th, and May 29th. My mom and me share 11's in our bdays, hers in October. My Grandma, Dad, Sister, And Uncle share twelves. They may be numbers and may be be a month, but they all seem to connect back to the woman in the middle, my grandma. My family was always close to my grandma. My sister and I were very lucky to have her spend a lot of time with us in California. She lived here, she lived in Washington, where her home was, and of course her home island of Guam. Loosing my grandma was one of the hardest deaths my family had to get through. As you can see from my dedication we have lost a lot of family members. I would talk about each of them but this one letter would turn into a book within a book. So I'm gonna talk about my grandma and how the white dots fit into this all. I felt like as I got older I kept a lot more to myself from my grandma. After she passed we all went silent for bit. We lost a big part of our lives. She was our rock and comfort zone. I feel that since she left my parents took the mantle for her. It took me a while to open up about it. But in 2012 I finally broke. As I entered the next phase of my life by moving to LA, I took her with me. Everywhere I go, everything I do, she is right beside me. I talk to her everyday. Even though I cant hear her reply, I know she's listening. I ask her to please help me to give me some strength to keep going. I vent about my heartaches and struggles and feel a sense of warmth in my heart because I know she's there. When I'm pain with my disease I know she's nearby to comfort me and dry my eyes. She may not be with me in person, but I know she is with me in spirit making beautiful new memories as I continue to keep living here on this Earth for her and me. That for me is the line in between, the white dots. A reboot and different outlook at the relationships with loved ones gone from this earth, but not gone from our hearts and souls. Their book may end, but their stories continue within our hearts, within the fire in our souls, and their memories within every dot that connects to our core.
To my loved ones up there,
I miss you all, I wish you were here in person.
I'm sorry I can't write about all of you, but you already know how I feel.
Your here in my heart and I know you walk beside me.
Thank you for being my polka dots.
Your memories, our memories, live out through everything I do.
I hope to make you proud, and I hope we make a difference in this world.
You may not be here in person, but I know with your guidance, anything is possible.
You're gonna live forever in me.
Thank you to my readers up there, and my readers down here for meeting me in "the middle"
Until next time,
From my personal collection of photos
Me age 3 and my grandma, Maria Camacho Baza.
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title.
2 Years In My Life: Chapter 1