READ PART 1 TO UNDERSTAND PART 2. THIS PAGE IS CONTINUED FROM PAGE 99.
"Got So Far To Go"
99 pages ago I turned a blog into a diary. I saw the potential I had if I flipped the normal social influencing status on its head. I sit here today on New Years eve and I feel so fulfilled that a large chunk of my life is documented and available for me to look back and grow upon. Life is like a snow globe. Every year we look into this little globe and see a little world inside of it. We wonder what it would be like to explore it. Then we shake it so the snow starts to fall and we just picture what it would be like to stand in the middle of that. We run ideas through our head and try to imagine that. You don't fully realize what you have done until you physically stand in the middle of the snow globe and realize you did everything you wanted to do, plus more. Then you find yourself back in reality and you set your snow globe down. You look inside and you see every little beautiful thing you wanted to do, you have done. You set it down and you see there is another snow globe that needs work. You see another globe to stand right in the middle of. You run new ideas through your head and picture what life would be like. So here we are picturing what life would be like. If there is one thing I learned this last year, is once I started stepping out of my comfort zone I became a better version of myself. I wasn't just picturing life in the snow globe, I was standing there catching the snow for myself. I turned 23 this year and as you know I had a birthday slump. I wasn't feeling it. P wasn't doing well, I felt unloved, no family was here, i didn't do shit for my birthday. I sucked it up and made my own birthday cake and blew out my candles all by myself. I did my best to get through that day, hoping the month ahead would be better. Sure enough I started seeing my sister Courtney every week as opposed to every other month. I've gotta say 2018 would be a vastly different year if Courtney didn't come along and become a major part of this story. Then Steven came along and I saw the world from someone else's eyes. From my experiences with them both, I started to see a life.
Then along came Ranjot, and Dash awoke from her sleep, then Xav shook things up, then family started coming around more and life started to feel like it has reached a new normal. I can't believe i'm saying this, but I kinda feel like I have done everything and more. I feel like I have done all that I wanted to here and i'm ready to move onto a new snow globe. This has really bothered me because I just can't see my story continuing if I stay here in SF. I still feel like there is so much more for me to experience, it just has to be away from here. I have done all that I could. I mean, I know there is still a little story to be told here in this city, and I will tell those stories. But I know in my heart i'm ready for something new. Like I said, I thought I would say it is bittersweet to say goodbye to this year. But it's not. Moving forward I want to say yes more. No matter how down I may get, I want to say yes. When this story started we all saw a boy who had just been pushed off a cliff. I mean come on, be honest, did anyone actually like that ugly green outfit? I was 200 pounds, depressed, and I had the worlds ugliest blonde hair. Writing that out makes me cringe. It's not something I am proud of. This time I am willing to volunteer as tribute (SUCK IT KATNISS). I'm about to go in for surgery in a few days. That doesn't mean I have to keep myself tied down in one place. I want to wrap up a journey in a city, that I feel deserves a few more pages to breathe and live on... then i'm going to go to an unknown territory. I spoke about flipping the status on its head, flipping my story on its head. Now I want to flip my life around and give me more opportunities. You know, I have never stepped outside of the United States, besides Guam. I have never visited another state outside of the west coast. I owe it to myself to see how far I can go. I hate the thought of leaving behind the people I love and the journey I have truly fallen in love with. But what's gone is gone, the past is the past and now I gotta use my voice and turn this radio on. It is time to hit the gas and see what the hell I can do. I will always have the lessons I learned and the beautiful memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But it's time to step forward into the unknown. I've gotta thank Courtney, Dan, Sammy, Jenny, Steven, Xav and everyone who helped me create those memories and learn those lessons. Without them, I would have nothing to look back on and expand in the years to come. Yes, I have come so far. I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I have been able to dig inside and explore my my vulnerable feelings. It's clear that I have gotten stronger. I'm using that strength to hold together whatever damaged parts of my heart still need work on. I have filled in 100 pages of thoughts, desires, hopes, fears, pain, loss and uplift. Now I gotta repeat that, but in a whole new way and revisit those feelings while learning about new feelings I have yet to uncover. I just hope the reborn smile I gained over the last 100 pages, smiles bright in the pages to come. I really loved being happy and that's all I want is to be happy. My greatest hope for this whole story, is for me to say I did things my way, changed some lives (including my own) along the way, and in end be able to say, I was happy.
So as I sit here and look at this new snow globe waiting to be explored, I pack it safely in my bag and get ready for what's to come.
Come along for the ride, let's stand in the middle and catch the snow once again...
i've still got so far to go.
END OF CHAPTER 9
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
Archive Photos - Steven Nguyen, Xavier Wesley, Dashia Robinson, Joey Marie,
& Dom Baza
What i'm wearing: Blazer - J Ferrar, Rest of the suit - H&M, Shoes - Apt 9
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - Chapter 9
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)