"A Little Bit Stronger"
Today I went in for my final day in the hospital, until I return in 6 months. It could have been longer, but i'll get to that in a second. It's been storming here. So i've stayed in doors for the last leg of my remission, which is ending earlier than I expected. My eye has been treating me well over the last few weeks. It's been draining, but it has been doing okay. Walking down the hallway of this hospital that I have called my 2nd home for the last 5 years is always bittersweet. Today felt different. I walked these halls without my cane, without my dark glasses, it was just me, every little piece of who I am out in the open. Remission started rough. I hated that surgery. Hands down in the the top 2 most painful operations I have received. I was awake for the whole damn thing and let me tell you I was so fucking annoyed and could not wait until it was done and over with. The first 2 weeks post surgery were honestly painful. I looked like Frakenstien. My eye was basically shut and could not open. I thought I wasn't going to look normal ever again. I made sure I followed directions and took care of it. Honestly, it was nice to rest and step away from all of this. I had so much pressure from life and the world around me. I was forced to shut down my life for a little bit and now that the open sign is turning back on, I feel more than okay to step back into my life that I took a break from. I was mentally screwed up after this surgery. My head was not on right. If it wasn't for Dan and Courtney, I don't think I would be healthy enough to get back to my daily routines. I went through some personal shit over the last few weeks, I didn't ask for it, but somehow it decided to come to fuck with me during my remission. I guess it was another way for life to test me during this time. It wasn't until last week that I stayed on the phone with Dan for hours and something just happened after that. There was a shift in my mind and it is like every inch of stress and problems that I have had and still continue to deal with, all of that was transferred to my creative side. I have been writing the most songs I have written in a row, since getting out of this surgery. Last week, my issues turned into creative ideas, and honestly some of the strongest and most honest words I have written. With all of this coming to life, I feel like it has brought me back to life in a way, it has made me stronger than I was prior to this surgery and remission. As I walked down this hallway today, I walked with my head held high and feeling the most at peace with myself, considering all that I have gone through. We met with my doctor who ran some tests and some uncomfortable X-rays. She said everything is looking good and stable. I told her I haven't been following the rules lately. I didn't tell anyone until recently, but I stopped taking my prescribed dosage of steroids daily. I started taking it 4 times a week because I was 1. Fed up with being on steroids for 5 years, 2. tired of gaining weight and always being hungry from them, 3. tired of taking all these meds for the last few years. Since my eye looked okay from the x rays, she allowed me to continue what I've been doing, but 3 times and only 3 doses a week. Steroids take a lot out of a person. I know damn well it made tired and weak. It helps my eye, but it made me gain 20 pounds that was hard as hell to loose. I'm glad I can be dropped down to 3 times a week. I wanted a year break away from the hospital, but with me on this new trial to see how my eye can do with less steroids, I have to come back every 6 months. I may be down to 3 times a week, but I sometimes forget that I still need these meds to survive. If I don't take them at least once, all the hard work done by my doctors and I, would be for nothing. So i'll be back in August and hope that everything looks good so I continue perusing a life. Walking away from the hospital today, i'm reminded that 5 years ago I woke up and wasn't able to see. Here I am now, I have come so far and somehow have survived it all. I want to be as honest as the songs I am writing, I will be as honest as the songs and these entries that I write. 5 years and so much knowledge and strength has been gained from all of the pain and everything in between. I woke up 5 years ago and in a way I shielded myself away by putting on a mask, aka my glasses. Yes I have to use them for this disease, but I can show what goes on behind them. Behind the mask was something I was always scared of looking into, because I could see the pain I have faced. Now as I walk away from this hospital without the mask, just me and every single flaw, I feel more than ready to show everyone my true self that I have gained behind the mask.
END OF CHAPTER 10
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What i'm wearing: Turtle Neck & Jeans - H&M, Shoes - Apt 9
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - Chapter 10
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)