This page is made in collaboration with Hercule Paris. Hercule Paris is a brand new clothing line created by my friend Pierre Lecomte. I obviously have to show some love to thriving up and comers, like Pierre. His shirts are the HIGEST quality and so comfortable to vibe out to, no matter what your profession is. Visit the brand new web store which just dropped the first shirt in their collection, "The Grand Voyager". You may see it pop up here again, in a different form, sometime soon. As the brand slogan goes, we're nobody doing everybody... And I can totally agree with that motto, yes we are.
As I heavily begin to prep for my move to New York, I start to get in the mindset of setting aside things and people who shouldn't be carried forward into the next story of my life. You ever feel trapped? You already know I have with my illness. But, i'm talking about something else. I'm talking about the relationships in our lives. Over the last few months, and more specifically, the last few weeks, i've been reevaluating everything. You know my private life is something i've always shed very little light on. When I do talk about it, It's brief and not as in depth as everything else. I try to be careful with what I say. Sometimes I have to keep parts of my life to myself, but this is my diary, everything always finds a way to leak through the pages. I must say, I really had to heavily debate what I want for my life. The fact of the matter is, i've been drowning while continuously trying to save a sinking ship. A ship that could never really be brought to the surface. Since I got hit by the car, it became more evident that things aren't going to work out. When you love someone, you try and try to make it work. But you reach a point where you just can't keep making excuses for actions that you shouldn't have to make excuses for. My mom has been heavily lecturing me about relationships. She sees that i've been on this boat, tied together, tied down, and forcing a smile on my face. She doesn't want me to be trapped. I'm moving my life across country. I get a fresh start. I get to start all over again. She asked me, do I want to carry over some of the heavy bags sinking my ship, or do I let it go to the bottom of the ocean, so I can finally swim up to the surface, and feel the light I am regaining inside. I thought a lot about this. Actually, everyone has been talking to me about it. It's the first time in my life that I will admit that even I am fed up. I used to be able to look at this person I love, with so much love. Now, I just feel disgust. I feel angry, but more so disappointed. Disappointed in him, and myself. I let so much slide, because I loved the idea of him. I loved the idea of being with him. But something changed as soon as I got the apartment in Brooklyn. I started to love the idea of myself, more than the idea of what being with him would be like. Since i'm being honest, I would feel so trapped. I wanted to start a life with him. But it would just be never ending complaints. My relationship already felt like a never ending business deal. Literally my whole text thread is texts about business. I don't want that in a relationship. I want to be in love and be able to work on what I love. I made myself love what he loved, so he could love me in return. And THAT is where I am disappointed in myself. I let myself get to that point. It took me to get hit by a car, to wake the fuck up and see clearly. Trust me, this is the clearest I am seeing lately. When you text your boyfriend and tell him what happened, you would expect that he drops everything and finds a way to get out to California. Instead he texts me, " are you serious, you're always in the hospital". Yes, this is something that happened. I'm sharing this because I can't keep holding in things anymore. As I move on from here, i'm letting out what I need to let out. I was already in enough pain, but it hurt more knowing that the person you love, is more concerned about business, rather than your own well being. I refuse to have that be brought forward, as I try my best to learn how to live a life. I'm 24 years old. I don't want to feel like I am raising a child. I did that already. Being apart of my nephews upbringing and helping shape them into some of what they are now, I did that. I don't need to do that again with a 30 year old that refuses to own up and be a man. I want to grow into who I am, and be able to be the best man that I can be. But I can't do that if i'm raising a man child into a man. I feel like half the time I say something, it doesn't get heard. All I hear back is about business and business, and just a shitload of excuses on top of excuses. Enough of that. I've seen it happen to some of the women in my life. I will not, WILL NOT let that happen to me. This week I begin to pack more and spend more time with the ones that I love, that have been here for me. My family that took the time to care for me, when I needed him. Let me tell you this, I don't need him. I'm fine on my own. I think he felt that he needed to save me. I felt that at one point, but I started saving myself, and now i'm feeling better than ever. I don't need NO ONE to save me. I can save myself. I'm almost to cross that finish line called FREEDOM. No one, and I mean no one will stop me from crossing over and becoming who i'm meant to be. If you don't like that, then this is the exit. Cause i'll tell you this, i'm out the door already. I don't want it. I just want me. I just want freedom, and that doesn't include a business deal, excuses for excuses, and raising someone other than myself.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Hercule Paris, Pants - Uniqlo, Shoes - Nike
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 16: THE FINAL PAGES
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)