"It's All Over Now" (feat. Seek Discomfort)
Summer 2019. It went by so quickly, but it felt never ending.... and NOT in a good way. As we all know, this summer did not treat me well. That was made clear when it literally ended with a BANG on Wednesday morning. I thought this summer was already bad, I was mentally not myself. But getting hit by a car was the cherry on top of it all. I don't feel like going too much into detail. Short version of it is, as I was out running a 5k, I got hit by a car Wednesday morning, on my 75th day of 100 days of sweat. The man didn't see me because he said the sun was too bright. I flew off the top of his car and landed on the ground. I crawled to the sidewalk and screamed for help. I honestly thought I was going to die. I guess the lord above, along with everyone else up there, was not ready for me. I am very lucky that I came out of this alive, with no broken bones, and no head trauma. I was bleeding on various parts of my body, and it was inflame. I'm still in a lot of pain, but i'd rather not talk about it. Of course I had to address it, because this is now apart of my story. This happened to me, and it is obviously going to be apart of my story forever now. Those few seconds that I thought I was going to die, it did something to me. Of course the sense of shock and pain began running through my body, but the dark mental state that my mind was put in all summer, was suddenly pushed out of me, as I was hit by the car. In a weird way, it felt like the mental pain that my mind was in, was pushed away, and the part of myself that I felt I lost, was regained. It is so weird, but this needed to happen. I never wanted it to happen this way, but I needed something to ease my mind a little more. I needed something to put me on a time out. I was given a 2nd chance to do it all right, when I got my Glaucoma surgeries and treatments. I never got to step out of the comfort zone I got used to, until I flew on that plane and landed in New York. I can't stress how weird it was for me to come back to the normality I got used to in California. Except, it felt so weird, it felt upside down. It was, it truly was. Life was flipped and bad things were happening. During those few seconds of being in the unknown, I saw the life I knew, the life I was living, and the life that could have been, all combine, within the sun that shined differently. It hit me, suddenly the life I felt I left in New York, with the hell I have been through over the last few months, all of that was leading to this moment. It has showed me that I am not meant to be here. I stayed behind to have this ideal ending. To spend a few more moments with the ones I love, thinking that they would be happy memories. Instead it was a harsh reminder of the past that led me to who I am. A past that I never wanted to relive. But I had to relive my past all summer, in order to show me that it is time. There's really nothing else left for me to do in California right now, except let go of what I've known and say goodbye. Say goodbye on my terms. I would've been okay dying on Wednesday. It would have been a great way to literally go out with a bang. But, I'm so glad that I didn't. Because it showed me, that this story of mine that I have been living in, it's time to close this book and write a new story. It has showed me that i'm still here to write a brand new story, and live to tell the tale. I tried to create the perfect version of that when I came back from New York. It turned out to be a hot mess, that led me down a road of darkness. A road of darkness that led me back to the light, in the blink of eye. This whole time, i've been wanting to seek discomfort. This whole summer was a trip of seek discomfort, via the memories I had to relive. It got so uncomfortable, that my mind started to become comfortable reliving it every single day. Does that make sense? My mind started building upon the past, in order to write a future. But the future does not have to repeat the past. You can honor it, you always should. But no one should ever have to replay parts of their life, that makes them feel something they shouldn't be feeling. Seeking discomfort is not about boxing yourself into a situation that is uncomfortable. It is about unboxing yourself and knowing when it is time to let go. When you seek discomfort, you let go, you don't hold on. I buried so much of who I was, and what happened to me when I was younger. I never realized how much I held onto that, until it was forced out of me. Over the summer, I let it out of me. I let it out so my truth could be heard. It didn't get the justice it deserves, but I let it out of me, and in doing so, I relapsed and let it control me. I could've let go, but instead it consumed me and it began to eat me alive, all over again. Now, in this moment, I take control of it. And use it as a driving force to visualize the life I want, the life I thought I could never have, if I died on Wednesday. It's time. I needed a push to show me that I can't wait another second to live the life I want, and not the life my past always finds a way to overshadow over me. I have to let go. Even if letting go doesn't get the justice it deserves. At least I can get the justice my mind, heart, and soul needs more.
END OF CHAPTER 15
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What i'm wearing: Shirt - Seek Discomfort, Shorts - H&M, Slippers - Old Navy
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - CHAPTER 15
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)