"Miss You Most At Christmas Time"
Christmas is here. I have done my best to compose myself and get into the Christmas spirit. As the holiday has finally approached us, I have found it so hard to do so. I have been pushing aside these feelings because I wanted to make this a happy chapter. But what kind of story would I be telling, If I didn't talk about how I truly feel. I have been really down this whole week. Since Friday I have had the worst anxiety, My meal schedules are off, I'm crying non stop, it sounds like I am a pregnant woman. But i'm being serious. I have a lot on my mind. It started from inner stress from work, to subjects I don't think i'm ready to write about, just yet. I'll address them, but to write about them would take away the whole point of extending a book that I know has many more stories to be told. I miss my loved ones a lot. Courtney left to Montana for Christmas, I miss my bro Dan who is going through things as well and hasn't replied to my texts, which I understand. I miss Jenny who's writing a story of her own and I just miss everyone that I have a close relationship too. I miss my boyfriend who has been so supportive of me these last few weeks and has talked me down over the last few days. I love P, and god, I really start to realize that more and more each day. I was really missing him the other day and I just cried about that longing. I then cried about work. Then I cried about that missing void from Christmas past. I think about my grandma who adored this holiday, I think about Auntie Terry who left us too soon, I think about everyone who has left us over the years. I think about all of them. My family that I have here, we're close because of our boys. I'm doing my best to be happy for my nephews. But as soon as they leave with their mom, I begin to feel that emptiness creep up on me. The things that i've seen and the things that I have witnessed, I don't ever want my nephews to have to go through those parts. I'm so emotionally shook to my core. I hate that I feel like this. I have had a beautiful year and now I feel like I brought this dark cloud over to my favorite holiday. It's storming too, can you believe that? I guess it was meant for me to feel this way. I wanted to write a beautiful ending to the Christmas entries I have been writing, but the fact of the matter is, I have been hiding in plain sight and the Christmas lights just shine around me. I'm there, but time just keeps moving so quickly. As I head into Christmas eve mass, I just hope I can put on a smile for my nephews and the family that will be here to celebrate with us on Tuesday. All I want is love, and restored hope in faith. I keep repeating that, because that is all that matters to me. I don't want to unwrap gifts, I'm not in the mood. Because like I said earlier, what I want can't be wrapped. I hope that Christmas day can heal some of my damaged heart from this last week. I really feel hurt. I wish I could say why, but I know now is not the right time to tell that side of my story. It's not my illness, it's not my relationship, it's not work, it is beyond that. All I can do is hope that 2019 will carry over the beautiful happiness that I experienced over the last 9 months. I hope that by the end of the 25th, i'll be able to fall asleep and say, it was special for what it was. I felt it was right to share these feelings, because if anyone stumbles upon this, I want them to know it is okay to feel the way you do on Christmas. This is not an easy holiday for some people. We all have our own inner demons, we all have people we miss, people we have lost, and it's okay to feel sad and feel the feelings you are feeling. It's better to express them and let it out, rather than have it build up a wall in our fragile hearts. It's my favorite holiday, and i'm so disappointed I can't live it to the max this year, even though it looks like I have. I know not all Christmas seasons will be like this, and I look forward to the day that I can hold the one I love and be near every single person that I care for.
Until then, Christmas is here and i'll do my best to be happy for the people that I love.
I miss the little boy who loved this holiday, I miss my grandma, auntie terry, everyone else up there, I miss my love, I miss them everyday, I always will, but I miss them most, at Christmas time.
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What i'm wearing: Jacket - Original Use, Turtle Neck - Croft and Borrow, Pants - H&M, Shoes - Apt 9
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Stories From My Life - Chapter 9
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)