The rain can come and pour on me all it wants to. In fact it already has. I came back from New York expecting to return to the life I left. I left for one week and instead I came back to a different more wild version of it. Not wild in a good way, but wild in a way that I was not expecting. It has been hard for me to juggle the thoughts in my head. As you can see, I feel like majority of the entries from this chapter is a little all over the place. Some up, some down. I knew that going into my 24th year, I didn't want to go into it with a negative mind though. 23 took me by surprise. I mean, I spent the whole first day as a 23 year old, alone and crying in bed because my other half straight up didn't give me the time of day. I was literally alone. No one was home and I had to sit there with these thoughts in my head. It was bad enough 2017 was just the worst year. It's interesting how things suddenly changed so quickly though. People left my life and others became a more important staple than they have ever been. My sister Courtney, we've always been close, but this last year has brought us to be the closest we have ever been. I mean to be able to see each other daily and weekly, it completely changed the dynamic in my life. My thought process automatically went back to me and Courtney's first shoot last year, my "heal the world" entry. For me, this is where the tide started to change. Seeing the world from a kid (Steven) who I would later become close to, really expanded the depth of what I wanted to do with this journey. Since then it has been a journey I will not forget. I'm sitting here crying just thinking about it. I didn't have the chance to live out my last year as a teen and my first years in my twenties. I spent those years away and taking care of this illness. I said it in the other entry, but this year is the first time my illness has gotten to take the passenger seat, as opposed to being the driver. I'm the driver now. The things I have done have given me so much. I don't think the brands that i've worked with, the events I have attended, the people who have come in my life, the new places my eye has seen, will never understand how much that has meant to me this last year. 23 gave me a path to forge ahead and navigate around. Building up to 24 these last few weeks have been difficult for me. But not hard enough to sway me away from what I want in life. As you all know, I watch a youtube channel called "Yes Theory". I spoke about them in my "Got So Far To Go Part 2" entry. They say yes to basically everything and do things out of the ordinary, out of the normality of comfort zones, they seek discomfort. I had said that is what I want to do this year. To be honest, I did. I went on a plane for the first time since getting Glaucoma. I went on that plane with a tube in my eye. I survived. I went to a huge city I had never been to. Got lost, made some friends, learned a lot about myself and ended up falling in love with that city. I miss New York, you guys. I miss it so damn much. As the days go on, I start to really see details I didn't see when i was there. Potential for what I can become, for what that will do to me and everyone in my life. That was the first time in so long that I have stepped outside of my comfort zone. It was fucking scary, but it will forever remain one of the biggest highlights of my life and I will always look back to that week as I take the steps to move forward and seek more discomfort. I sat here and made a list of things I want to do moving forward. Things that I have to somehow accomplish within the next 24 months before I am 25.
This list is a mixture of everything I am. From my career goals, to personal issues, untapped potential, personal life, yet they all tie into number 24... Seek Discomfort. Every one of these goals has some sort of thing I am not comfortable with. I'm going to break it down in 3's. Career, Living and Personal Life. My career is something that I take very seriously. Seeing that part of my past a few weeks ago, straight up haunted me. That shook me to my core and reminded me that I have to find a way to make this happen. To show those people who wronged my heart and soul. I know I can do it, i've always known. It's just harder than it ever was to be in this business. Things like instagram, that's a pain in the ass. You try to grow, but the higher ups just want to knock you down when you're trying your hardest to show what you can give. I just want to share my voice and have it be heard in some shape or form. I don't have bad things to say. The things I have to say can make an impact and do some good. Number 1 is make an impact on someones life. If something that I write or sing can help someone in some shape or form, then please, someone out there has to agree with that somehow. Right? I'm not doing this for fame and fortune. I want to give back with the gifts that god gave me. He didn't put me here to keep my mouth shut. When I feel something is wrong, I want to speak up. If my personal life can help someone heal their personal, then let my words do that. That is all I want, is a chance to do that. I have not found that chance. I know it is out there though. As I've said before, it is not about what you know, it is about who you know. I've gotta find what I have been looking for. I need to so I can move on. Living is something i'm getting used to now. Or at least a version of it. Being able to feel alive and have moments that I want to look back on forever, that is something I want. Things that are important to me and play a part in who I am. I want more moments like that. I don't get to celebrate my 24th birthday this year. I will celebrating my god brother who is getting married. He deserves the world and there isno other place i'd rather be, than by his side and honoring his next phase of his life. Since my birthday will take a seat this year, next year I want to celebrate BIG. I haven't had a true birthday celebration since I was 17 and moved to LA. Next year I want to celebrate all of this. I would like it if my worlds collide and somehow everyone that I love could be together. Courtney and I just talked about this last night. It would so fascinating to see my best friends like her and Dan, meet up and be in the same room. I would feel so complete. To have New York, LA, SF, and overseas combine for one moment in time. That's what I want, or whatever version of that we can make happen. That all ties together with my personal life. I've talked a lot about growing together as we grow. New York is the biggest piece of this puzzle right now. I'll tell you why, because I promised you I would meet you half way, and you promised me too. I hear you hesitate lately, you are nervous, you are scared, because once that line is crossed, that's it, it will be a new starting point for us. I am the biggest believer in love. I love love. Heck, this list is based on love and things I want to accomplish with it. I am 100% and will always be 100% a hopeless romantic. I am going to be 24. I want to start planting seeds for the future and what's next after what is next. My heart is being tugged back and forth, because I am in love. I just want a chance for that love to have a moment in the light, rather than have it continue to struggle with distance. Because distance is getting harder for me and the idea of letting go and starting fresh, that is one of the most uncomfortable things for me. I just want a chance for me to share the love I have in my heart with you, all the string attached and more. I din't want to let go of you, I never did, and never will. Love makes be better, you know. I'm able to create things that I know will touch people, from my experiences, good, and bad, with love. These things all have some sort of reach, that i'm gonna need to sike myself out and reach for it all somehow. Yes, even something like Spider-Man is a reach, because I don't know where i'm gonna be in July and I don't know who will be in my life then. I have to watch it all unfold as we go. I want to grow with the one I love and grow together, but if god has other plans, then I hope they start to become more clear as I become another year older.
I look at this birthday truly as another year older. I see the changes happening within me. I feel older. Even with the parts of myself that have always remained, I feel it aging. My hair is getting more grays, heck my beard is growing gray hair too. Maybe that is why I have struggled since leaving New York. All the comfort I got in seeking discomfort, is making my subconscious uncomfortable as I try to seek even more discomfort. With all these new uncomfortable layers being added to my life, it is an interesting time in my life. Regardless, my mom has always said, no matter what you are feeling, no matter what wrong may be going on in your life, always blow out a candle so the year can go as smoothly as possible, and always put that smile on your face and hold your head up high. I've been told this many times, especially over the last few years since getting diagnosed with Glaucoma, when you are older you will wish your younger. But since, I am younger and have an illness and older person usually has, we have to somehow meet in the middle. So I guess, i'm both. What I want to do with that, to compromise that, is be happy. I just want to be happy. I made that 24 things to do list, because no matter how hard some of those simple goals may be, I know in the long run, it will make me happy. I want those things in my life. I crave them and I dream of them. Do you know how many times I dance by myself in my office picturing the stars shining down on me and the one I love. I think about it every fucking day. Simple things like that can be made possible if I was just met halfway. I never say these things allowed. This is the first time I will say them out loud because maybe it will benefit me to manifest this all out into the world so I can finally do the things I wish and want in life. No matter how hard they may be. I am so grateful for the year I just had. I will always look back and look fondly at all the beautiful I was able to accomplish at 23. It may not be big to some people, but it made an impact on me, that I will forever cherish. Time is limited. I don't know how and what will happen by the time i'm 25. Heck, I don't know if I will be here and what will become. But i'm glad I at least took a step forward to living a life and stepping out of the tower I got so comfortable with. It is already a different kind of birthday for me. I won't be in town, i'll be at a wedding and it will be the first time since 2014 my eye, along with the one that doesn't see, will be able to be seen during a birthday of mine. That's one thing I am forever grateful for. With all the struggles I have faced, for that to be out and seen, that feeling of pride shines bright through the smile on my face. A smile I hope will still be on and apart of me through what may come along the way, as I get older.
END OF CHAPTER 13
Photographer: Courtney Johnson
What I'm Wearing: Hoodie - Seek Discomfort, Hat - Forever 21, Jeans - H&M
What I'm Wearing: Shirt - Good Fellow, Chinos - H&M, Shoes - Giorgio Brutini
Every post I will include the song that inspired me to build a post around it's title
Page 127, Page 128
Stories From My Life - Chapter 13
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Stories From My Life
(APRIL 17- PRESENT)